Wade Wilson sat in his favorite recliner, the one with the questionable stuffing and the faint scent of chimichangas, staring intensely at a glowing laptop screen. The cursor blinked rhythmically, mocking him.

"It’s not pirating if it’s about me!" he argued with the yellow box in his head. "It’s... archival research. Digital self-discovery. And besides, have you seen the price of movie tickets lately? I’d have to sell another kidney, and those take at least twenty minutes to grow back."

Wade’s eyes went wide behind his mask. He slammed the laptop shut so hard the plastic cracked. He sat in silence for a moment, the only sound the distant hum of the refrigerator.

Wade gasped, clutching his chest. "Blind Al? Is that you? Did you finally figure out how to use the 'the Google'?"

He clicked a suspiciously large green button that promised "HIGH SPEED DOWNLOAD – NO VIRUS – 100% LEGIT." Almost instantly, his screen exploded. Not literally—though that would have been more exciting—but with a relentless barrage of pop-ups.